The key difference between 'sorry' and 'thank you'
I used to work as a barista.
If you’ve ever worked in the service industry (especially in a crowded city like London), you’ll know how fast-paced it can be: Greeting customers, taking orders, making the order and handing the order to the customer. At busy times, of course, I’d only be doing one of those things and handing the next task over to one of my colleagues. And repeat.
During the busier times, I’d interact with hundreds of customers an hour, but in those brief customer interactions, I noticed something fascinating.
Inevitably, there would be times when customers would have to wait a while to get their order. There was nothing I or any of my colleagues could do about that. But when I first started, my instinct would be to say ‘Sorry for the delay’.
When I’d missed a task or done it wrong and my manager let me know, I’d say ‘Sorry’.
When a customer asked for a napkin because the napkin stand had run out, I’d say ‘Sorry, here you go’.
You can see the pattern.
As a novice barista, I found myself saying ‘Sorry’ dozens of times a day and I started to grow tired of it. Sure, I was learning something new and making mistakes along the way, but a lot of the time I was apologising for something completely outside of my control.
Working as a barista and having all these mini-interactions made me painfully aware of a bad verbal habit of mine: This tendency to say ‘sorry’ when I really didn’t have to.
So I started to try something else instead: ‘Thank you’.
What remarkable difference a word can make on a person’s response, and even on their mood!
When a customer had been waiting a while for their order, I’d say ‘Thank you for waiting’.
When my manager made me aware of a mistake I’d made, I’d say ‘Thank you for letting me know’.
When we’d run out of napkins or straws and a customer asked for one, I’d say ‘Thank you for telling me’.
And I can’t tell you if it was me, or the other person, or both of us (probably!) who responded more positively to this ‘thank you’, but what I did notice was an increase in smiles and a reduction in grumpy customers.
So what’s the difference between ‘sorry’ and ‘thank you’?
‘Sorry’ has a negative connotation and risks placing the attention on yourself, not the listener. Any sales person, neuroscientist or public speaker will tell you that most people enjoy talking about themselves - and are less interested in talking about others.
‘Thank you’ has a positive connotation and places attention squarely on the listener.
So I’d like to suggest we all try to say ‘sorry’ a little less and ‘thank you’ a lot more!
You can go even further and expand the phrase by highlighting a positive quality in the person you’re speaking to. Here are a few more suggestions:
Thank you…
… for your patience / for being patient with me
… for your time / for waiting / *for bearing with me
… for your understanding
… for telling me / for letting me know / for bringing this to my attention
… for your feedback
* This phrase is slightly more advanced, so use it wisely. If you’re not sure of your listener’s English level, consider choosing a different phrase.
Of course, there are times when a ‘sorry’ is needed.
Beware that if an apology really is required, the above phrases can come across as passive-aggressive, haughty or presumptuous, or as though you are avoiding giving an apology outright.
But for a lot of people, especially those towards the female end of the gender spectrum, we say ‘sorry’ too much. So I hope this can help you reframe some of your regular interactions by replacing the negative ‘sorry’ with the positive ‘thank you’.
AUTHOR'S BIO
Hedvig is a language and learning coach on a mission to make language learning almost as normal as breathing. She is the founder of Abundate.org and host of the Abundate Podcast, where she interviews language learners, educators and researchers about the magic, power and beauty of language learning. She also shares her personal reflections on language learning in her newsletter. Learn more about private English Neurolanguage Coaching® or join the waitlist for her group programme.